I love EBay. I don’t know why I love it so much, I just do. Maybe it’s because I can browse as long as I want and drool over things I can’t buy and know that no one’s watching me.
I love hitting the “Watch” button on EBay to see how much items end up selling for. I sometimes do this because I want to snipe the item. Sniping, in EBay terms, is where you wait for the last few seconds of the auction and then outbid the highest bidder. There’s even free software you can download to do the sniping for you. I don’t usually get into all that though, I just place my bid at the highest monetary amount that I’m willing to pay for an item and let the dice roll. If I win it great, if not, there will probably be another one offered tomorrow.
I have a few EBay weaknesses. The first and easiest weakness for me to ignore is my guitar obsession. “A 1974, white, but faded to yellow, reversed neck Fender Stratocaster?” my imaginary salesman asks, “Why yes we do have that Mr. Wallace.” How about a D-15 Martin played by Elvis Presley? “Why yes, we have that too.” Any guitar you could possibly want, or need, is available to buy or just look at, as long as you have the time or money.
My second obsession is knives. I usually have three to five knives in my “Watching” folder. I already own five or six pocket knives, but as a man, you can never have too many knives. I just bought another knife this weekend. It’s a seven inch fixed blade, skinning knife with a gut hook and a bone handle. It was only $15 plus $3.00 shipping. The slight flaw in my purchase? I don’t hunt.
EBay’s just all-around awesome. Where else can you look at knives, guitars, cars and pick up a DVD or two? But EBay also has a dark-side. Ever notice the categories if you scroll all the way down?
The last category on EBay’s list is called, “World of Good,” above that, “Giving Works,” but the category above that is the dubious one, it’s called, “Everything Else.”
When you click on “Everything Else,” you get brought to EBay’s underground. “Adult Only” is the first category, followed by “Metaphysical” and “Personal Security.” But the better categories are Weird Stuff, Slightly Unusual, Really Weird, Totally Bizarre and Other. Some of these things include, Japanese Real Leather Silver Butterfly Open Mouth Gag, or a Fun April Fools Gag Gift Fish Ass Holes & Tomato Sauce, to a Pathological Fused Vertebrae of American Alligator.
People have and sell weird shit on EBay. If you can’t find it here, you probably don’t need it. Not that you need any of it. So the next time your in the market for some Fish Assholes and Tomato Sauce, or the Open Mouth Gag to make your subject eat the Fish Assholes with Tomato Sauce, just remember, EBay’s your one stop shop for both.