Ok, so I’m not dying. It only took the real doctor about five minutes to diagnose what caused my three day headache.
The doc asked, “Any recent weight gain?”
“Well, I had a baby about four months ago,” I said.
“You mean your wife had a baby four months ago,” he said.
“Well yeah, that’s what I meant. But in the last year I’ve gained fifty pounds from eating like her,” I said.
“So you’re blaming your pregnant wife for your weight gain?” he said.
“Well she’s not pregnant anymore. And no, I’m not blaming her at all. I’m just saying I was eating like her, that’s all.” I said.
“I see. Do you snore?” he said.
“Yeah. My wife wakes me up all the time bitchin’ that I’m snoring too loud,” I said.
“Does she say that you stop breathing as well?”
“Yeah, she said she’s scared I’m going to die. I mean, I have life insurance and everything so what’s the big deal?”
He looked at me blankly and said, “Ok, so you have hypertension caused by sleep apnea. You need to drink at least 60 ounces of water a day and 60 ounces of juice or Gatorade that has electrolytes.”
“That’s 120 ounces a day! What about tea and Diet Coke?”
“Yeah you can drink that, just don’t count it toward the 120 ounces of water and Gatorade,” he said.
“You also need to start exercising at least three times a week. And you’ll need to do a sleep study.”
“I do exercise two or three times a week,” I said.
“Thinking about exercising three times a week doesn’t count. How many times actually exercise a week?”
“Ok. It’s like one to three times a week,” I said.
He just kept looking at me.
“Ok fine. It’s like once a week,” I said.
So basically water and exercise is supposed to cure me. Wouldn’t the pharmaceutical reps be pissed if they knew this real doctor was prescribing water and exercise as a cure all to hypertension? They’d probably try to have his license yanked. Looks like life’s still a giant treadmill and I’m not getting off it anytime soon.