Animal Instincts
Are you sick and tired of getting bitched at by your boss? Do you need a couple of weeks off? The next time your boss starts giving you a hard time, start weaving in the characteristics of an animal of your choice into your conversation.
So when the boss says, “Hey, think you can work late tonight?”
Start talking like a cat would if he could speak English and say, “That’d be perrrrrrfect. Just what I always waaannntttted.” (Make sure you roll your tongue to get the full purring effect.)
Or you can start squawking like a parrot and say, “Poly wants a WHAT?! BRAHHH!! Poly wants a WHAT?! BRAHHH!!”
This is about the time that he will sense you’re a little insane, but he won’t know what to do. So he’ll probably start to get angry and say something like, “Hey, snap out of it! What the hell’s the matter with you?”
This is when you stand up, put your hands up to your head and make a pair of horns with your fingers. Then start breathing real hard and start stamping like a bull. Then tell him, “You got to the count of three to get the hell out of my office or I’m going to impale your ass!” “1, 2,…2 ½ …3!” Then start running at him.
If he’s halfway sane he’ll start running away. If he doesn’t, change tactics on him, when you get to his side, start panting like a dog. Get down on all fours, wiggle over to him and start sniffing his ass. After that, wrap your arms and legs around him and start humping his leg.
I guarantee that this tactic will almost get you fired. But like any great tactic you have to be willing to carry this through all the way to be effective. Remember this is a war. It’s you against your boss. And if you want to get you a couple of weeks off for rest and relaxation, you have to be willing to bring your A-game. Remember this war cry, “Come strong or don’t come at all.”
So when you get called into the office, there’s a good chance that the boss will be there with the human resource manger, a lawyer and definitely security. They’ll advise you that your services are no longer needed and then they’ll ask security to escort you out of the building. That’s when you’ll have to act quickly.
The script is: “But wait! Why am I being fired? I’m the one who was sexually harassed here! I even played along with it, and now I’m being fired? If anything he’s the one should be fired.”
“What?! What do you mean?” the attorney will ask.
“Well Mr. Johnson asked me to stay late. I heard he’s been asking others to stay late too because he likes them to act out animal sex acts in his office. I was just taking the inevitable ‘bull by the horns’, so to speak. I figured if I’m going to have to act out animal sex acts with my boss in order to save my job, I was going to start first and at least save what little pride I had left. You know? Like a coping technique? I felt at odds with it at first, but I figured if I had to be some other man’s bitch, I was going to at least get the first crack in.”
(By the way, it helps to have plotted with a few co-workers before you get called into the office to help corroborate this story, but this only works if everyone hates the boss too.
If not just say, “I can’t name my sources” when pressed on the issue.)
“WHAT?! He’s FUCKING NUTS!” your boss will protest undoubtedly.
That’s when you hold both hands up in front of your face—top lip lifted to show your upper teeth; fingers pointed outward and say, “Nuts, like a squirrel Mr. Johnson? I heard that’s his way of talking dirty to people,” you say turning to the human resource manager.
“Ok. That’ll be enough of that,” their lawyer will say. Then he’ll ask, “How about you take a couple of weeks off until we can get this figured out, huh? The both of you.”
Ahhhhh…Check and mate. Works everytime.