How to Pick Up Chicks—The Machiavellian Way

Posted by dwallace on November 30, 2010 in How to pick up chicks, Machiavellian |

Guys if you haven’t been able to get a girl in a while then you are obviously going about it the wrong way; and by that, I mean, you’re probably telling the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God. Although the Bible said, “The truth shall set you free,” that was a long time ago and doesn’t necessarily work in today’s world.

Remember you can be anything you want the first time someone meets you. It’s only after they’ve known you for a while that the truth comes out. So if you just want to have some fun for a night, or a possibly a weekend, try out one of these tricks to get you some. I guarantee you’ll be making the Oh-Face by the morning.

If you’re a lady reading this, just be aware there are guys out that are using better lines than, “Did it hurt when you fell? Because you look like a star that fell from heaven,” bullshit that some guys try to use.

There are Machiavellian guys out there who would love to use the, “Do you use Windex to wash your clothes? Because I can see myself in your pants,” line. But they know full-well they can’t get away with these corny lines anymore. And whether you know it or not, the more genuine they seem to be, the more likely these guys are just using a better line than you’re used to.

One of these stories I have actually used. And although it was stumbled onto accidentally, it was the inspiration that led me to think of these others later. I’m not good at writing riddles, so let me tell you my friend, if you read real close, you’ll find out which one it was at the end.

A. Go to Lowe’s or The Home Depot and find the best looking girl who works there. Yes, there are some hotties working at either one of these two stores somewhere in your town. Look around until you find at least a 6.5 on your 1-10 scale, you’ll know her when you see her. Besides, that you’re not trying to marry her, you’re trying to get laid.

Go up and tell her, “I’m looking for a hammer. See, I start volunteering for Habitat for Humanity tomorrow and I’m supposed to bring a hammer. I really don’t know much about building anything. Matter of fact I don’t know anything about building anything. But I feel I could learn, you know, to help someone who’s less fortunate than me?”

“I feel lucky just to have a roof over my head and I feel it’s my responsibility to lend a hand to those in need. Know what I mean?” And go from there. If you don’t have her escorting you to the hammer section in a little beeping blue or orange golf cart within 15 seconds of telling her this, there’s no hope for you and you can stop reading right now.

B. If you don’t think the hardware store is the best place to pick up a good looking girl, then how about a department store? Go into an upscale place like Nieman Marcus or Macy’s and go check out the men’s cologne area. Usually they will have at least one, if not several, really hot girls working there.

Tell the girl, “Hi. This is going to sound really weird, but I work at an Orphanage and one of my boys named Timmy had a small sample bottle of Armani cologne. Well, I guess one of the other kids got jealous and stole it from him, and Timmy started crying and carrying on. It was a real mess. I can’t afford to buy him a whole bottle, but do you think I could have a few samples?”

If that lady isn’t filling up a whole bag of cologne then she has abandonment issues and you don’t want her anyway. But if she takes the bait then it is your job to ask her out for some drinks. Believe me, a person who works in retail probably will be ready for a drink after work, especially during the holiday season.

C. You see women walking their dog’s everyday. The next time you see a little cutie walking her dog, try to position yourself so that she’ll have to walk right past you. Then you can say, “Oh what a good looking dog.” Then bend down and talk baby talk to it while rubbing both sides of the dog’s head right behind the ears. Then say, “Oh what a good looking doggy-woggy.” Don’t worry, the owner does this too and it won’t seem the least bit strange to them.

Then say, “You know when I use to volunteer at the Animal Shelter, I used to walk the dogs every other day. I had to give it up because the non-profit shelter couldn’t raise enough money to feed all the poor guys we’d get it. Everyone was so stretched for money when Katrina hit and everything. Then they just kept coming and coming and there wasn’t enough money for food. So we ended up having to give them to the Humane Society. Man I really miss being around dogs,” Then stare off into space like your lost for five seconds, then shake your head and say, “I’m sorry, kinda went off on a tangent there. What’s his name?”

First of all, if you don’t own a dog, it’s perfectly acceptable to ask a dog owner what the name of their dog is before you ask for their name. Most of the time people don’t even get that far in the conversation where they want to know you’re name, but yet they don’t mind stopping you to ask what your dogs name is. Weird. Anyway, the second thing to remember is that dog owners always call their dogs by their sex—not “it”. For instance, “Her name is Daisy.” Or “He is a Bull Mastiff.” So if you can’t tell, ask.

Now that you’ve got the mindset of a dog owner, you then can start asking about her. She’ll already be on your side and you pose no threat. You were a volunteer at the animal shelter for God’s sake. What kind of dog lover wouldn’t love that? Only one whose dog has rabies, that’s who.

D. And for the final Chicker-Picker-Upper, we can’t forget about the single moms. What? There are some hot looking single moms. You want to look for moms who are walking around with a kid in one hand and no ring on the other.

Now this type of woman can be as protective of her kid as an 800 pound gorilla, but she’s also the type that puts out and the proof is usually sitting right next to her.
That is where you use your Machiavellian tricks against her. You make the kid the focus by saying, “Ahhh, what a cute little baby. You know I’ve been looking into adopting one myself. I’m taking a few parenting classes that the adoption people make you take. But I’m on the list for one from Korea. Did you know you don’t even have to be married these days to do it? Thank goodness for that. I don’t mean that in a bad way, but it just so hard to find someone stable enough to be parent these days. Know what I mean?” And with that you should be having MILF for dinner.

But now I’ve come to the end of Machiavellian ways, and if you want a girl you better not behave. The answer to my riddle may be revealed, in the previous sentence, that I have spelled. And if you still need a hint, it’s the first letter that spells bent. And for the record, I really was working there.

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