Last night I had to do a sleep study. I’ve snored since I was young, but I have been having headaches more often than usual, so the Doc wanted to rule out sleep apnea.
The sleep tech scrubbed my head in seven different places with a Q-tip and some sort of glue. It felt like he was giving me seven miniature noogies. After that torture test, he ran several electrodes down my shirt and pants. I kept thinking, I hope these things don’t shock me when I take a leak tonight.
The tech then hooked up a few more wires to my head and nose, showed me how to work the TV and literally tucked me into bed.
I haven’t been tucked in since I was six or seven years old and what made it awkward was the tech was a man right around my age.
In the morning, after a horrible night of sleep, the tech told me I woke up 85 times an hour when I slept on my back, 35 times an hour when I slept on my side and 12 times an hour when I slept on my stomach. “Twelve times is normal,” he said.
“So I’ll just sleep on my stomach,” I said.
“The problem is you usually don’t stay too long on your stomach. You roll around,” he said. “So we’re going to have to fit you for a CPAP.”
If you don’t know what this CPAP contraption is, think of Darth Vader, only sleeping in the bed next to you.
Oh well, if it’ll help me not wake up 85 times an hour, I’ll give it a shot. In the mean time, I leave you with this clip.