Self Defense for Women
Ladies, you’re at a bar when a guy approaches you and starts making friendly conversation. After fifteen or twenty minutes, his girlfriend shows up and he introduces you to her. The three of you have several drinks and the time melts away. Before you know it, they’re inviting you back to their place. What do you do?
Well if you’re into threesomes, you yell, “Shotgun!”
If you’re not, then the answer is obvious, you don’t leave with them.
I had a conversation with my haircut-lady today, because last night that scenario happened to her and she was shocked that, “They didn’t want to just hang out.”
When I asked her what she thought their intentions were, she said, “Honestly when I got to their apartment and went inside, I thought they were going to rob me. So I went and sat on the outside steps that lead to their apartment and called my friend in California and told him he needs to listen to this conversation. So then I put the phone in my bra and went back inside.”
“You thought they were going to rob you, so went outside to call your friend in California? Then you went back inside?” I said.
“Yeah, then this crazy girlfriend, who said she had been to prison when we were in the bar, started yelling at me about how I probably wanted to fuck her boyfriend. Then I heard my friend on the phone in my bra yelling, ‘Get out! Get out now!’ So I ran out the door and across the street and then I called 911,” she said.
“What did the cops say,” I said.
“The operator asked me where I was and I only knew I was on Manchester Road, so that’s what I told her and she kept saying, ‘Where on Manchester Road,’ and I didn’t know. So I hung up on her. Next thing I know she’s calling me back. I don’t even know how she got my number,” she said.
“Because you called them!” I said.
“I thought they couldn’t trace cell phones,” she said.
“They don’t know exactly where you’re calling from, but they have caller id,” I said.
“Oh. Yeah. I guess,” she said. Then she said, “Well somehow they got a hold of my cell phone account information because I’m on my mom’s account, so my mother called me and started yelling at me and asking me a bunch of questions. She said that the cops had called her and she wanted to know if I was alright. By that time the cops saw me walking down the road and stopped. Then they started yelling at me about being dumb-ass at the same time my mom was on the phone yelling at me for being dumb-ass. Then my mom had to come get me, I mean damn, I’m 32 years old and this is the second time this kind of stuff has happened to me.”
“The second time?” I said. “OK, let me just stop you there.”
Ladies, without getting into this any further, can we agree to learn something from my haircut lady? The best self-defense for women, besides not just being an idiot, is not to go home with strangers from a bar. If you do decide to go home with strangers from a bar, please understand upfront that this is for sex? Got it?
Now, if you already plan on having sex with a complete stranger, then there’s a chance you won’t get killed. But then again there’s also a chance you will get killed. I’ve had a few one-night-stands and for the record, I will say that I have never killed anyone. But I’m also a nice, pudgy guy and I was pretty happy to get whatever came my way.
So I’ll leave you with this, the best self-defense for a woman is not putting yourself in stupid situations in the first place. Listen to your intuition. If it tells you to leave, then leave. And whatever you do, don’t go outside, call someone in a totally different state and then go back inside. And if a situation happens like this to you, learn from it, especially the second time.